Thursday, January 28, 2016

The puppeteer...

                           Such a long time since I wrote...I don't know what happened to me...I don't  know who I am, and I can't find my voice. Too many strange feelings in my heart, too much thinking inside my head, like my consciousness is trapped inside my body, like I have a new skin, one I don't recognize. How many contradictions!
                            Could it be the 30 years age crisis? Could it? I just don't know and I don't understand what is wrong. I feel like a flower in a really small pot and I can't grow because my roots don't fit inside. And I also need some sun and some water...I see myself in the mirror and I don't recognize the person standing in front of it. How is this possible? 
                             I need to find an answer or a cure. It is not a disease, but it feels like it  and also my whole body hurts ( even if physically it doesn't). It got me thinking it's mentally, but am I crazy? No, no, no! Definitely not crazy! 
                             It is necessary to find the trigger to this. And I need to find it NOW! I want my force back, I want my dreams back. Sometimes I get this tickling inside, just like a presentment, like something is wrong, or about to happen. And I don't know if it is good or not. I guess I just have to wait for the puppeteer to move the strings in order to find out.    
                               This could be one goal for the year: find myself, find my voice, cleanse my body, erase myself and draw everything back. But how do I do it? Right now I don't have a clue. I must be confident I will get it. At least this way I still have a motivation to go on. I've been thinking about my decisions I made, and I don't regret them...Or maybe just some. Could this be a solution? To assume everything and fix the things I have been avoiding? I will see...
                                I am going to bed now! Tomorrow it's another day! Maybe a sunny one! I hope! But by then, maybe I will dream about my questions and find some answers. Sometimes it works. I have to try!



blue winter